July 2011 God was preparing me for this.

July 17, 2011

                I have this deepening testimony that I want to record/sort so that I might be able to share it because it is so sweet to my soul.  I’ve been a mess for a week maybe a little more and it’s been building for sometime.  I have a weakness (many really) but at the forefront this week are fierce independence and inability to trust.  I was just in the shower and my thoughts came flooding at me of this most recent experience and learning  have lightened my burden and made my soul feel to soar.  Let’s see if I can get it into words on paper.

                I am the youngest of nine and my parents were stretched pretty thin by the time I came along.  No doubt I had more opportunities than any of my peers and if I had pressed for any particular interest my parents would have found a way to open a door for me.  But money was tight and my parents were stressed and there wasn’t much harmony in my home.  I knew if I wanted to go to college I would have to make my own way.  And I knew that my parents were carrying a heavy load.  From a young age I knew not to ask, not to make a scene, not to cry, not to upset the delicate and ever fluctuating balance in my home.  I developed out of (perceived) necessity a fierce independence and a lack of trust.   There was no soft place to fall, there was no one who had undivided attention to give.  Nevertheless, we did 4-H, entered contests – writing, speaking, I participated in plays (though I was often left waiting for a ride for hours), I sang in the choir, I tried out for a sport or two, we entered the fair and won prizes, my mom taught me to sew, we were active in church and I had opportunities to lead.  Testimony was borne and taught in our home and family history provided priceless strength to me to press forward with my view firmly set toward heaven.   Church history was discussed and expounded upon.  True principles were taught and information/sources/documentation was readily available.  Practice was not a priority but knowledge of history was prized.

                I am thankful for the independence I felt as it lead me to question and to work and to cry (alone) and to pray until I knew I had a Father in Heaven who loved me.  I knew, no doubt.  I know He is there and countless times He has lifted me through and led me along. 

                I have had the opportunity to repent and to be forgiven of many sins, some requiring much anguish of soul and effort.  But there is nothing like the sweet joy of forgiveness and of wrestling with the spirit to bring knowledge of the love of our Lord, Savior and Redeemer Jesus Christ, to bring understanding and testimony of repentance, baptism, the truthfulness of the gospel and the power of the priesthood.  Of these I bear humble witness.

                So this weakness is deep seeded.  It is often seen as a strength which strengthens my pride and slips me further from the truth and from dependence on my Savior.  It’s happened before, more than once that this blessing of motherhood has brought me to my knees in utter exhaustion and hopelessness that I know I am unequal to the task.  I have dropped to despair a number of times only to remember that it is not expected that I do it all.  That it is in fact the plan of a loving Heavenly Father that I learn to trust and rely and exercise faith in my Savior to make up the difference between my effort and what is required.  I have had these sublime moments of clarity when I remember that I am not alone.  That God loves me and my children, that we are not alone and that He’ll be here to help if I but ask. 

                This week:  I’ve been tired, short with my children, I’ve felt totally wasted and overwhelmed with my responsibly as a mother, with the thought of raising my girls through their entire lives, with wanting to be more than I am and just wondering how in the world these super mothers around me seem to have been blessed with talents I so obviously lack: nurturing, loving, caring, teaching.  I was at this low point when I started to read and remember to pray and ponder and learn and this fantastic testimony of the spirit washed over me that I am to “rejoice and be of good cheer” for Christ has overcome the world!  I am to have joy.  I am not to run til I become weary, I am not to put forth so much effort that I am utterly exhausted and unable to contribute further, I am to do my best TRUSTING in the Savior to make up the difference.  I have known this always but I have let it slip away until I was deep into trudging thru independently unsuccessfully.  It’s been my montra for a day and a half, when I start to tell myself “I’m tired,” “there’s no way,” “ahh, I can’t deal with you or this,” “I have to get out of here,” “how can I restrain myself from harming this child?”  God has blessed me to remember to rejoice – I can’t overcome myself, this moment, this challenge, this life – but Christ can, he has and all I need do is rely on Him!  I don’t want to sound like “a Jesus freak” but I guess I do want to because this is AWESOME!  It’s true.  It’s Heavenly Father’s plan.  And it is a comfort to me bringing peace to my soul to know that I must do what I can in wisdom and order and that He will make up the difference and that is by design.  I have weakness to keep me humble and meek, to keep my heart broken and my spirit contrite.  It is necessary that I cannot do it, it is necessary that I struggle but I am set free and made able by the infinite atonement of my Lord, Savior and Redeemer Jesus Christ.  It is wonderful to me!  He lives!