One month into the journey

November 22, 2011

 

I just have a really hard time sorting through the reality of this.  I want to blame him, me or me and then I want to feel so bad that I can’t function.  What is up with that.  I feel insecure.  I’ve lived in this fantasy for 13 years and it wasn’t even that great.  It was a fantasy where my husband was perfect and I was a martyr.  That is crappy.

 

I told myself how lucky I was to have him.  He has a good job.  He is kind.  He let’s me run our household.  He goes to church, even when I don’t want to.  He serves.  He is fun.  He is happy.  He has lots of great skills.

 

I told myself how lucky he was.  I like sex.  I thought we had a lot of it.  I was fun and supportive and encouraging.  I tried to keep our house presentable and I praised him to everyone.

 

Really.  Really we live in reality and we are just like everyone else.  Maybe it’s time to bond with the others. It would appear that we are all bonded.  Life is traumatic, it hurts, it beats us down and helps us grow.  It is hard and here we are together.  None of us are perfect.  All of us cry.  Other people feel their problems as deeply as I feel mine.  Let us all rejoice together. 

 

I love my husband, my devotion and attachment to him has been ridiculous.  It is time.  It is time to grow up.  It is time to live my dreams.  It is time to let him go and find his own.  I will hope we progress together.  I will let him be.  I will quit doing things that I don’t want to do.  I will begin doing the things that I want to do.  I will let him go and do what he wants to do.  I will love him and honor him and seek and listen to his council as he honors the Lord. 

 

I know that my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me.  I know that they will help me to learn to stand, to smile, to love, to laugh and to give.  That is what I really, truly want to do.  I want to serve with a happy loving heart and They will help me to become a woman who can serve without beating myself up.  They will help me to let go of the baggage and love me so that I can serve them for I truly know that is true, pure, heaven on earthJ