April 14, 2012
A good day
I can’t find my regular journal at the moment. But I know I need to write about today. I’ve been in a dark place, having a hard time, struggling to hope for hope and to want to try. I’ve been feeling a lot of pain and hopelessness. I think that the writing of my narrative and the journaling I’ve been doing particularly yesterday’s writing about my feelings, trying to spell it all out – get it out- work through it – figure it out set the stage for more hope. I really saw more clearly yesterday how very blessed I am. I realized that I have everything I was looking for when I married Alan. I wanted stability and security and I have that – he’s really given me everything I’ve ever asked for. It’s not Alan’s fault that I now see more that I want him to be – a man with a dream & passion…I didn’t ask for that in the first place, I’m changing the rules here. My perspective just changed a little yesterday as I was able to separate a little bit from the villain narrative I’ve created for him and from the victim narrative I’ve cultivated for my whole life and as I separated from those I thought about what I really want out of life – what a perfect world would be for me now and I found myself wanting to show excitement when he came home to say to him “I’m so happy that you’re here” and to spend some time with him – where in the preceding days/weeks I’ve really been pushing him away.
He came home and immediately rushed to play with the girls – which I usually totally appreciate but yesterday it felt like he was scared of me and not wanting to be with me. I determined to push myself, daughter #1 asked if I would jump with them on the trampoline and I told her I would. She went out to play. I sat on the floor and cried a little. Then I got up and pushed myself out to spend some time together all four of us together remembering how I want my girls to feel the love of both of us together. The night went on with our usual turns at parenting and after bed-time for the girls my husband said that he wanted some time alone if I didn’t need anything. Then he went into the garage to clean. I wanted to be with him but didn’t want to take his “me time” away. I poked my head out of the garage door and asked if he wanted help – he told me only if I wanted to be with him. Which I did but because of my recent feelings/behavior – he couldn’t tell. We worked hard, a little awkwardly as I tried to see his vision without suggesting or pushing. It was fun and he was glad to get so much accomplished. I was so happy to be able to help him accomplish something, we got rid of tons of stuff, moved stuff around and the garage looks sooo much better.
We came in and showered and had a bit of a discussion (as they all seem to go lately – me timidly wanting to share my feelings without hurting him, him feeling hurt and trying to respond in the “right way”) and then we sat and talked and talked and talked and I insisted that he tell me how he was feeling and I felt relieved to know what he’s been thinking and what he’s been thinking that I was thinking and to be able to clarify and to come up with a bit of a plan for me to begin by saying “I don’t mean to hurt you but I’m feeling …” for him to respond with “the script” and for him to wait to share his hurts and feelings until I’m “rational again” – I told him that I usually am aware of when I’m not being rational and that I don’t think I’ll be offended if he asks whether I’m feeling rational and that I’ll try to be honest about whether I’m in a good place to hear him out. We just talked about our feelings, our concerns, our pain, our fears, our faith our changes. I talked to him about how alone I often feel.
The day before he had said the most beautiful things to me – and I felt loved unconditionally, I felt accepted that even though he sees & knows and I constantly remind him that I am broken he accepts responsibility for my pain and loves me even though I often feel broken, worthless and unlovable.
We held each other and were physically intimate and it was so amazingly wonderful, beautiful, powerful and after I felt a peace, a serenity a feeling of safety and comfort that has been scarce in my life. It was so wonderful and desirable that I didn’t want him to let go of me. I didn’t want the night to end and I held as tightly as I could to each beautiful feeling. When we woke up this morning, I didn’t want to get out of bed, I just wanted to stay with him in bed because I didn’t want any thought or anything to intrude into my wonderfully happy feelings. We had a great day, we worked hard, we played with the girls, we spent time together all 4 of us, I went to my meeting this am and felt like I had something to offer and so much to gain. This afternoon we all sat on the couch and read stories – it was lovely. This day was full of beautiful, precious, joyous moments, happy moments, heavenly moments. Today our home was heaven on earth. Today was a good day!
The attack came back, I let it in. There is this film I want to see: Miss Representation – it’s about our culture (our pornified culture) and how the objectification of women that is widely promoted and readily accepted influences both the ideas women have about themselves and the view men have of women and how these ideas discourage and disallow women from attaining positions of power – in politics, in business and in public life. I’m so interested. I feel like I could develop a story to tell – enough information and personal experience to speak to people about the harms of pornography. I have this deep desire to help people to see their divine nature and their value and help people break free of the limits they put on themselves and the lies they believe. A local church was hosting a screening tonight and I somehow thought that I could find the documentary on line so that Alan and I could watch it here. I couldn’t find it on-line to watch here – which is probably a very good thing because, part of the presentation included images of pornography and objectification of women to demonstrate the widely glamorized and at least accepted images that so pervade our media drenched culture. It’s also probably better that I didn’t find it because it is so painful for me to feel the harm such images have, will and do cause and because it inflames my lack of trust in men and my anger at the violent situation at hand both in my own personal relationship and in the world at large. I found some websites and the movie trailer and felt a little shaken. I just want to go out and save the world, but it just isn’t the right time for me, I’m not strong enough – yet?
He and I talked more tonight but just seeing those few images, remembering my pain, looking at and talking to my husband who is drawn away from me by these types of images and remembering how fat and ugly I felt today opened the smallest crack for Satan to whisper in my ear and weakened me enough to start to forget my resources and the great Army that is fighting with me and for me and that God is our leader – GOD – The creator of Heaven and Earth is on my side and fighting for me and they that be with us are more than they that be with them! How quick to forget, how slow to remember I am.
After finishing the above entry I started browsing on the computer reading old journal entries. I found an entry from April14, 2006 just as we were preparing for in vitro and read through several others from that year ahh how the themes of my life repeat themselves:
Dreaming/planning – researching, check-list making…
Guarding my heart – keeping the possibility of pain as far away as possible
Realizing that guarding my heart also keeps love and joy at a distance
Giving my will to God
Accepting my situation and letting go of prior dreams
Being blessed and enjoying the process of coming up with new dreams
Round and round we goJ Practice, endurance training, small races and prizes along the way to the ultimate – enduring to the end (cheerfully & patiently)