Step 4 & a love note July 18, 2012

The girls and I are planning a gym free outing today - the library, then a museum...but the library doesn't open until 9 so they are working on art projects - construction paper flowers and pipe cleaners, scissors and markers are involved for Ruby and they are decorating the house and working on creative play - I sure love these girls of ours - I don't know how we qualify for the beautiful gifts that they are.  My heart is full of love this morning for my family. 

 

In the few minutes they were fully engrossed in play I thought I'd start to read over step four. I stopped in the second paragraph after I read "when we say fearless, we do not mean you will have no feelings of fear.  You will likely experience many emotions as you survey your life, including embarrassment or shame or fear.  Fearless means you will not let your fears stop you from being thorough in the inventory process."  I remembered a soul pricking article I read yesterday on Segullah: http://segullah.org/daily-special/brave/ Especially this part (I copied it into my ARP manual): "We go in and out of brave. Apparently, even the brave do... Sometimes it takes a long time to conjure the courage to acknowledge the truth. To say it. Or write it. To do the hard thing. To stand immovable – shaking in our boots, perhaps — but standing, nonetheless, in Truth. Brave isn’t fearless. Brave is being true to the truth despite our fear. It’s telling the truth to ourselves first, then voicing that truth to others, no matter what they think of us or do to us. Sometimes brave is being silent...
I don’t know if you ever feel brave in the middle of a brave act... Brave comes wrapped in fear. But it’s a celestial gift, worth the risk of opening. Because at the heart of Brave is Truth. And Truth is the only thing that can make us free."

That line about how brave comes wrapped in fear has attached itself to my soul and unconsciously I've been rolling it around - trying to feel and see the truth in that.  It is a beautiful piece of acceptance for me - It has been hard this year trying to "cast out fear" to resist it - to believe that faith & fear cannot co-exist but I think the light of this rings more true for me - that brave comes wrapped in fear - brave is doing the right thing even though you're scared through and through.  It means choosing the right path while gritting your teeth because the unknown seems so overwhelming. 

Awesome, just thought I'd share.
Thanks for being brave.  Thanks for digging deep for the truth and sharing it so bravely.  You are amazing.  You are brave.  You are inspiring.  I love you!  I love you so much!  With my whole heart. Thanks for being brave and kind and true and for patiently waiting for me:)
I love you!

Step 3 November 28, 2011

I’ve read and re-listened to the talk by Elder Cook “It’s better to look up.”  I loved it.  I want to give my will to God but I don’t know if I’m ready to let go – I so want to but I guess I’m still paralyzed by the fear of doing something imperfectly – which is how we all do EVERYTHING in this lifeJ  Urgh!  I don’t know why I’m so stuck on trying to be perfect…

 

So I prayed earlier tonight and just put it all before God in prayer how I'm feeling - wanting to give it all to Him but afraid I'll run back to the alter and snatch it back, I suppose that is okay because we can go to Him again and again and again for the same thing wearying Him with our need and imperfection...I do trust Him, I know His will is the best, far better than mine.  I know I'll keep getting scared and I'll do my best to continually turn to Him in prayer when I'm faced with fear.

 

Here’s my list of what I want to give to God:

 

1.      Being my husband’s mother

a.       Monitoring

b.      Focusing on

c.       Wondering about

d.      Fearing that it is false

 

2.      Fear

a.       Of Trust

                                                                          i.      the timing of it, I’ll make room in my heart and welcome it when it comes, and let God steer

b.      Of Forgiveness

                                                                          i.      the timing and fullness of it, I’ll make room in my heart and welcome it when it comes, and let God Steer

c.       Of my husband’s relapse

d.      Of being imperfect

e.       Of Humanity –meanness, selfishness, self-serving

                                                                          i.      God can help me see others as He sees them

f.       Of making mistakes

g.      Of history repeating itself (my little girls growing up with my scars)

h.      Of trusting anyone else with my children

i.        Of feeling & showing emotions

j.        Of what exaltation might be like

k.      Of my ability/lack of ability to do hard things

l.        Of trusting my heart with anyone – that I’ll be hurt

m.    Of the unknown – I will trust that God is over all

 

3.      Anger

a.       About the betrayal

b.      At myself for falling short

 

4.      Resentment

a.       Toward my mother for staying with my dad, working, not being perfect

b.      At my husband for all I have given and all he has thrown out

 

5.      My heart of stone

a.       The walls I quickly and constantly build around my heart

b.      I can trust that God will restore me when the pain and heart ache come

c.       I will ask God daily for a new heart like His

 

6.      Believing I don’t deserve good

a.       I am an heir to all He has

b.      I want to give him the negative thoughts and self-loathing that creep in and drag me down to despair

 

7.      The outcome

a.       I will be true to God and He will oversee the journey

b.      I will trust that as long as I am on God’s team, we win in the end

c.       I will trust that all things will work together for my good

d.      I will trust that God has all good things in store for me

 

8.      Pride

a.       My need to win

b.      Comparing myself to others

c.       Judging

d.      Feeling self righteous – like “I’ve been the good guyJ”

e.       Thinking I can do anything on my own without God

f.       Living in a fantasy that I am somehow set apart from the rest of humanity

 

9.      Idolatry

a.       Putting my husband or others or things before God

 

10.  Other people’s problems

a.       I can’t fix them

b.      God can let me know if there is a way for me to help or ease a burden

 

 

Step 3 questions:

1. What thoughts and attitudes do I need to develop in order for me to completely submit my will to my Heavenly Father?
1. As I look back over my life I can see clearly that God’s plan and the way things unfolded was the best way.  I cried and tried counseling God, to go away to school, to have children  right away, but his timing was what I needed to feel His love, to be where/when I needed to be to learn and grow.
2. I need to remember that His ways/timing are better.  That He has blessed me in ways far greater than I could have ever dreamed
2. What thoughts and attitudes prevent me from allowing Heavenly Father to guide me in all areas of my life?
1. That darned fear, anger and resentment slowly but surely BLOCK THE LIGHT.  I must keep the Sprit with me and rebuke and command Satan to leave at the first shadow

                                                              i.      Immediately when the negative internal dialogue begins

                                                            ii.      Immediately when I feel the pain that I know the Savior can remove but I’m tempted to focus on and wallow in

                                                          iii.      When I feel frustrated

                                                          iv.      When I feel hurt

                                                            v.      When I feel angry

                                                          vi.      When I feel impatient

3. Do I trust that Heavenly Father’s plan for me will bring me peace of mind and bring me ultimate joy?  How can I apply that trust in my daily life?
1. I totally do.  He’s show me glimpses, carried me for entire days, allowed me to feel His loving arms around me

                                                              i.      Look up

                                                            ii.      Remember the blessings

                                                          iii.      Look to God

                                                          iv.      Take a moment to catch my breath, refuel, look to the goal, look back at the progress and enjoy the view, appreciate the strength I’m gaining

4. What is it that God can do that we cannot do?
1. He can teach me who I am
2. He can heal my heart
3. He can erase the pain
4. He can help me to see the lesson, the pieces that need work
5. He can direct me and bring to my remembrance the words & people who can help
6. He can remind me of His love
7. He can walk beside me and carry me when I need Him to
8. He can teach me to love
9. He can make up for my weaknesses and failures
5. There is help.  There is happiness.  There really is light at the end of the tunnel.  To any who may be struggling to see that light and find that hope, I say: Hold on.  Keep trying.  God loves you.  Things will improve.  Every one of us has times when we need to know things will get better…[and] there is the promise of good things to come.  How can I apply the process of patience into my life each day as I follow the Lord’s will and believe that good things will come?
1. I can look back and remember.  It took 9 years for the miracle of our little girls.  It took 10 years to finish my undergrad.  It was the Lord’s time, it was the right time.  He was with me all along
2. HE HAS BEEN WITH ME ALL ALONG!
6. What are some things I can do that will help me walk daily with Christ?
1. Read His words
2. Pray for His companionship, to feel His presence and His love
3. Pray to know the most important thing to do today
4. Let my face & tone reflect His
5. Remember that He loves me more and perfectly even more than I am able to love my own daughters
7. How can I become willing to turn my will over to my Father in Heaven and my Savior Jesus Christ with the belief and trust that He can make a lot more out of my life than I can?
1. Remember who I am
2. Remember the blessings
3.  It is worth it
4. Cast out the fear
5. Seek and bask in the light of the Son

 I'm trying to remember...

 

          When you are living righteously and are acting with trust, God will not let you proceed too far without a warning impression if you’ve made a wrong decision. – Elder Scott 4/07

 

          Anything we can change, we should change and we must forgive the rest. – Elder Holland 4/06

 

           The best way to become who I want to be is by being who I want to become – Time out for Women 2011

 

          The miracle comes after the trial of faith, Gratitude precedes the miracle:)

 

Thanks again for your time & help!

Step 2 November 22, 2011

I read bishop Edgley's talk this morning - awesome and just what I need.  I'm needing a little more faith today:)  We've had almost 3 straight good days filled with love and the spirit at our house but I crashed again last night.  I'm hoping that recoveries will be quicker and happy times last longer as my husband and I continue to work on healing.

Step 2

 

This step is where I need to be right now, today.  I can see that I’m clinging to fear, afraid to let it go.  But I know that faith and fear cannot co-exist so I must let it go to enjoy the blessings of the Lord.

 

1. What evidences do I have that the Lord loves me and knows me and has throughout my life?
1. I am amazed and so grateful for all that God is showing me and teaching me.  The major blessings so far have been

                                                              i.      To know that everything will be okay

                                                            ii.      That He has always been with me and my children

                                                          iii.      He loves us, He knows us and He has always been with us, guiding us, protecting us, caring for us and carrying us

                                                          iv.      I know that He loves me

                                                            v.      I believe in Christ, I trust Him

                                                          vi.      I know that if we repent and turn to Christ, He can wash away our sins

                                                        vii.      I believe and I have felt that He can take our pain and our heartache and heal us from it

                                                      viii.      I have felt so quickly – 2 days after the discovery – joy, peace, happiness in the Lord, the reward for making and keeping covenants, I have felt His rest and it has been so full and sure and freeing that I know whatever the price to know God, it is worth it!

                                                          ix.      He has sent angels, with the right words, with love, just to show me that He cares and is aware of me.

                                                            x.      He has opened my eyes to the beauty that surrounds me so I feel that each butterfly, flower, mountain, smile and blue sky and sunrise were placed here just for meJ

                                                          xi.      He has spoken to me through my 3 year olds

 

 

2. What can I do to strengthen my belief that God has the power to restore me to complete spiritual and emotional health?
1. I’ve got to let go of the fear.  God can help me to let it go.  I need to remember how he has always been with me.  How he has always spoken to me and sent me help when I’ve needed it.  I can go forward with faith – NO FEAR!  And I know He will be here with me.  When it’s time to make choices, I can look to Him and He will guide me.  I know He can heal my heart and I know that by loving Him – putting Him first, He can speak to me – so clearly – in the temple, through priesthood leaders, on the mountain, early in the morning, through the scriptures.  I can remember to put Him first ALLWAYSJ

 

 

3. What are some ways I can recognize God’s deliverance happening in my own life?
1. By going/standing in Holy places – where He has spoken to me before and by recording His words to me where I can turn and read and remember.  Constant prayer, Consistently reading and standing in Holy places.

 

 

4. What are the things I can do that will bring me hope and help me become stronger in my recovery?
1. Weekly temple attendance
2. Early morning scripture reading
3. Openly talking with my husband
4. Meeting with the bishop as needed
5. Priesthood blessings
6. Exercise & healthy eating

 

 

5. What does my complete emotional and spiritual health look like to me?  Make a list of the ways that I would like to experience complete restoration.
1. Daily, constantly striving to have the Spirit
2. Turning to Christ, away from Satan at the first thought, not looking toward or dwelling on darkness
3. Goal setting & achieving
4. Learning – taking classes?
5. Time with friends
6. Time sewing
7. Being able to smile and laugh
8. Looking to God for love and comfort and safety
9. Decreasing feelings of anger/rage/resentment
10. Trusting my husband
11. Being gentle with myself
12. Constantly improving but remembering that having made and keeping my covenants and looking toward Christ are all that are required of me for salvation, that it is gained through Christ and I can daily repent, I’ll need to, I’m not meant to be perfect in this life, that is the plan
13. Seeing others through God’s eyes
14. Letting go of the pride – not judging others
15. Remembering that perfection is an illusion
16. Recognizing and appreciating the good in me
17. Giving gifts
18. Sharing
19. Knocking down my fortress walls, knowing I can’t protect myself but God can protect me, I know He can and will because I’ve seen how He’s been here all along, how He’s taught me lessons in the ways I’ve needed to learn them and He’s prepared me for them and all of my experiences have been and will be for my benefit when I let them, when I let God speak to me, when I look to Him and listen

 

 

6. What is a plan of self care that I can begin now and that I can continue that will support my recovery efforts?
1. Early morning prayer, scripture study, meditation
2. Weekly hiking
3. Piano lessons
4. Weekly spouse of addict meeting
5. Weekly temple attendance
6. Weekly date night
7. Weekly meal/schedule planning/family council
8. Evening walks
9. Nightly study/step program & prayer with my husband
10. Asking in prayer for healing, strength, repentance, direction in work, the Sprit and help in mothering

 

 

7. Which things have brought me hope?
1. I really find the most hope anytime I can feel the Spirit but especially in the temple, on the mountain, talking with my husband, and looking for God’s love

 

 

8. What can I do to increase my reliance upon the power of God?
1. Increasing my reliance upon the power of God is the key in this.  I believe that this trial is a needed blessing because it is teaching me to love God – first – most – and more than my husband.  As I put God first, as I look to Him to provide, protect  and guide me – He does and I see Him do it and I can easily recall that He has always been with me and provided for me and protected me and I discover that it has been during the most earth shaking times of my life that He has taught me the most so that I can see that whatever lies ahead will be full of good things, because with God, they are all good things.
2. I need to let go and let Him
3. I need to find all these fears and road blocks and give them to Him, ask Him to take them from me and guide me to where I need to go because I want to be with Jesus and be like Him and only He can show me the way.

November 18, 2011 Devistation

I watched Elder Scott’s talk today.  I actually found a lot of comfort in the scriptures this morningJ  Gotta love those packets of lightJ  I’m struggling I think I had the biggest breakdown I’ve had since I discovered my husband’s addiction.  I’ve been doing pretty well really – God has been so good to me and I’ve felt the burden lifted and more freedom and joy in this trial than perhaps I’ve felt during our whole 13 years of marriage.  I was a total mess last night and today I’m just working at breathing and functioning for my twin 3 (almost 4) year old daughters.  I started to write to sort out my feelings and I thought I’d share with you to give you an idea of where I am today.  I know I’ll come back to myself, that God will pull me up out of this filthy mess,  I will wait & trust & reach toward him…

 

            I am devastated.  My worst-case-scenario has been that my husband might die.  Now that seems like a wonderful dream come true.  We have life insurance & I’d have his social security.  I could bring in an au pair and maybe rent out a room.  I’d go back to school and teach and be done with men.

            As it is, my life is crushed.  My husband has lied to me from the beginning.  He doesn’t love me.  He doesn’t love God.  I don’t know what his motivation is.  He has made covenants and broken them.  He has been unfaithful to me and God.  He has deceived me and allowed-caused my worst nightmares to come true.  We are now responsible for two beautiful, perfect, wonderful girls who are growing up with a wicked father and a broken mother and history repeats itself.

            I am angry at me – I am/was so stupid.  I was blinded and I didn’t know how to listen to God.  I am/was so weak and damaged that I needed my husband’s attention/sex to feel I was worth something.  I dedicated my life – all of my time, talents and energy to building God’s kingdom by building a family and supporting my husband and all along my husband was lying, pretending and betraying me.

            God has been so good to me.  Constant and always near.  I know He loves me.  I know that we can all change and be redeemed through Him and I know that He’ll take care of the girls and me.  He has blessed me.  He has spoken to me and He will strengthen me against Satan’s lies.  He will help me to clear my mind.  He will bless me with the Spirit so that I will not be deceived.  He will help me to be the mother my girls need.  I have hope that He will let me know how to protect them – from their father – from the world.

            I love my husband.  I know that God loves him.  I know that his potential is great.  He helps me to feel happy and keeps me sexually satisfied and fulfilled.  He is kind and does nice things for me.  He plays the part of good father and husband really well.  Except that he is unfaithful, deceiving, untrusting and potentially dangerous.

            I know that I have to give him, me, us time to heal.  I know that I have to forgive him.  I know that I have to forgive me and heal and cheerfully endure to the end, constantly holding the rod and reaching toward Jesus.  I know that I need to function and care for and love my children.  I know that I need to love me so that I can love others.

            I will,  God will help me.

I'll forward the story and step one I sent to sponsor #1, but I think given my sunken state it will be good to just start over so I'll be working on my story & the questions of step one again, let me know if you have any suggestions.

Today I'm grateful for the love of God.