February 28, 2012
Feelings, it’s been a while since I’ve free typed, it’s
actually taking a little longer with all my typos…feelings. I’m all over the board, start to feel like
I’m making progress then feel like I’m as low and immature as I’ve ever been.
My heart is still hurting, bruised, torn, broken
My trust – longs to rebuild but is so guarded by stone walls
My head is with God, I know for sure He lives, He has always
been with me, He will always be near and anxious to administer to my needs, He
is over all, With Him I cannot fail, He will make it all right in the end. He is solid, never failing. With Him, I win.
My spirit is shaking, She feels so weak and wounded and
exhausted. She longs to :remember truth
to feel the joy and inhibited smiles she’s known in the past; To look at everyone and see them individually
as children of god; To trust in God and
because of Him to have no fear in trusting people and opening her heart to love
and pain; to laugh, to dance, to sing loudly, to enjoy each moment to really be
present now, in every moment, to be unmoved by the winds whatever they may be –
wherever they come from – wherever they are going
My body – feels abused – by me – garbage in, almost
constantly to try to cover the pain and fear
My thoughts are constantly where they should not be: fear,
anger, bitterness, shame, hurt, obsessing over my husband's behavior, wishing the
time away, isolating, letting go of the things I love and value
My hope ebbs and flows, in the future I trust all will be
well under God’s attentive care, in the now and in the near future
blehhhhhhhhhhh
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