April 13, 2012
How I’m feeling this morning
Like I’ve given so much already and it wasn’t enough, why
try to give more to my husband? I read
every self-help book I could find, I remember feeling like something was wrong,
like my husband wasn’t connected. I
remember not wanting to be a nagging or demanding wife and reading books like
Dr. Phil McGraw’s “relationship rescue” and learning that all I could do was to
change myself and by changing myself, by sending out more love the climate
could change and my spouse might respond by giving more love in return…I don’t
remember if I felt like it worked. I
remember feeling so alone in parenting, budgeting, planning, spiritual leading
and convening family counsels around my concerns and using special language “it
is very important to me that ____, ____, ____, be done” and he's stepping up to
meet my requests for a while.
So now, my husband is making great strides, feeling changed,
saying he’s dedicated to me and our family and to recovery and I believe him,
but I don’t feel it and I feel terrible that while he’s making these great
changes I’m stuck feeling terrible, worthless, like I wasn’t enough then with
all my striving and self improvement how could I ever be enough now feeling
like the effort isn’t even worth it, sharing my pain that just makes my husband
feel worse, feeling a void of love for him.
I see his struggle that it is so hard for him to give up a disgusting
habit that brought him relief, pleasure, escape. How terrible of me to want to take it from
him.
And yet, I don’t want to be with a man that wants other
women, that doesn’t trust me enough to share his stress, desire to escape, etc.
I don’t want to be with a man that desires women other than me – it seems this
is too high a desire for me to have as all men desire to have sex with or
imagine being with any beautiful woman or even any naked woman that crosses
their path. And even if such a man
exists, it is my lot to stay with this man (who I readily admit is a wonderful
man far better in many ways than I deserve and far kinder and more generous and
patient than I am) who desires it who has given into it for all of his adult
life and much of his childhood. He is
changing but against his will, against his natural desire to….become something
other than what he is….to satisfy my need for fidelity?
So here I am, feeling demanding (something far beyond what
is possible for a man?), feeling exhausted, not even sure if I want what I’m
demanding, feeling stuck, knowing that it is best for our children to have a
mom and dad – knowing that my husband and I are the best parents for them, Knowing
that it is possible to feel madly in love with him again + have the spirit
always with me + trust in God + Put God first in my life + be filled with all
the love I need from God alone, and yet wondering if it’s possible or worth the
effort, feeling so hurt, neglected, abandoned, rejected, abused, and feeling
guilty for feeling bad at all since this is such a small violation and really
to be expected of all men and really my life is beautiful and blessed and I am
spoiled by a cush life and a good kind man.
What more could I ask.
It is up to me to choose happiness, to create of my life
what I wish it to be, to fill it myself with the things that bring me joy (my
children, education, being self-sufficient, nature, prayer, meditation, travel,
sex, service, helping others to see their worth, doing what I can to alleviate
suffering through out the world) and to feel happy regardless of my husband’s
choices or desires. And it is my
obligation to love and provide for my children so that they feel safe and loved
and know that I love them – no matter what.
It is also my obligation to love & serve my husband – to be kind, to
help him to feel happy, to be his soft place to land/fall after a hard days
work, to make my home a heaven on earth, to keep myself and my children well
dressed & groomed and to make my husband’s life in every way possible as
smooth and lovely as I can. To ask less
and give more and be cheerful in doing itJ All this while remembering that it is okay to
feel my feelings, to express my pain and that I need to patient with myself as
I work at recovery. Oh Joy!
In a perfect world:
- My husband would love, cherish, honor and desire only me
- I would have help with my kiddos (a nanny or daily tutor to work with them on reading & numbers)
- I would make the time to read with the girls every day (books about the people, places & history of the world, about science and nature and fairy tales)
- I would work – in some meaningful occupation (teaching at a woman’s shelter (interview, resume skills) or at a high school teaching kids to dream, that they can be anything they want, to reach for the stars, to study & to apply themselves, that they have individual worth, that it is never okay for someone to treat them as less than a child of God
- My husband would have dreams of his own that I could help him reach
- He would have things (ones that don’t violate my value) that he would want to spend time doing
- My husband and I would have common goals that we were dedicated to working on
- My husband would be a partner in spiritual leadership in our home (scheduling, conducting, participating in FHE, Family Counsel, Family Prayer, teaching the gospel to our children, trying to be like Jesus)
- He would have talents he wants to develop
- He would actively schedule his time & we could calendar together so that we each have time for our individual interests
- We would enjoy talking to each other – neither of us would feel that we alone were responsible for driving conversation
- We would plan and anticipate dates together
- I would be a better mom (more fun, happier, full of better educational ideas, more energetic to play directly with my children, feeling less guilt for the time I’ve spent under functioning or crying or feeling completely incapable)
- I would be happy and content with only the love and validation I receive from God
- I wouldn’t have to spell out my feelings and schedule my desires into life and carefully ask for support from my husband, I wouldn’t feel guilty about scheduling my desires,
- He would help me and encourage me to do the things I want/need to do (he does this already – offering time to myself, suggesting I take a hike, etc.)
- I would feel less anxiety about the world my girls are going into – surrounded by boys already on their way to perversion and sex addiction and girls who are trying to fit the mold of desirability through seduction
- I would feel hope for a future in which each member of my family feels loved, cherished, fulfilled, capable, honorable, beautiful, worthy, valuable, happy
- I would be able to let go of the hurts of the past
- I would allow people to change
- I would believe that people can change
- I would believe that at our core we are all good people, divine children of a Heavenly Father
- I would believe that the wrong turns we all make are not because we are inherently bad but because we have been deceived into wrong thinking
- I would have patience for loud children
- I would enjoy every moment I have to spend with my husband and children
- I would plan even more time with extended family and enjoy it – just being there, doing whatever
- I would feel good about connecting with people – being intimate – sharing my feelings, beliefs & desires
- I would be a better listener
- I would spend more time with people
- I would be a better teacher
- I would be more interactive with my children
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