October 24, 2013
A letter to me.
Something scary is headed your way. You know, you have always know that this
picture perfect life of yours is too good to be true. It will hit you. You won’t expect it but you’ll walk in on it
and some things will suddenly make sense.
You will see that something has been wrong all along just as you
suspected. But you will see that it wasn’t
you. Jesus Christ will pick you up in
that moment and he will carry you in his arms for an entire week.
Trust your gut. God
will guide you. Reach out to the people
you feel you can lean on. Open your
mouth, you’ll find that every woman you talk to has been right where you
are. The women who haven’t or haven’t
yet admitted it to themselves will be supportive and loving and help you
through this too.
Run away if you want to, pack up those sweet beautiful
innocent little girls and take them wherever you want to. You’ll have so much fun. Your life is going to be filled with love and
joy and happiness you haven’t experienced since you were a little girl (only
this time you can kick out the people who say mean things to you).
Go to the temple, God will speak to you there. Come up with your plans, God will confirm
them for you.
Spend money, get hiking gear and spend every available
moment on your mountain, God will come to you there. Your heavenly parents will meet you there,
they’ll sing to you, they’ll help you remember what you already know and were
to look to find it.
Get babysitters – as often as you want. You’ll take a whole
week off in October, it’ll be one of the best choices you’ve ever made. Jesus will come to you, he’ll place angels
right in front of you as you go to the temple every single day.
You are going to have some scary moments. You are going to have some things happen to
you that have never happened before. You
are going to feel prickly all over your chest and it’s going to spread over
your whole body from there and it’s going to be paralyzing and fill you with
fear and you’re going to think that perhaps the devil is trying to take over
your soul – He’s not! It’s a panic attack,
you’ll get some medication for that too and you’ll learn to deal with it. It’s just another experience of this life and
this journey. Ask for blessings, do what
you feel like doing. God is walking
right alongside you, protecting and guiding you as He always has.
You’re going to remember the scariest moments of your
childhood in vivid detail when you least expect it and it’s going to shake you
and bring on panic attacks and you’re going to be so scared and A’s going to
scared too. But in these moments you’ll
see something new, something you never noticed before. You’ll see that Jesus Christ was there with
you. When you were so frightened and
felt so small and alone and your belief in goodness smashed piece by piece, you’ll
see that Jesus was with you, holding you and protecting you. He never left your side. He protected you. He knew that you would go through these things
and come out okay and more like Him because of what you’ve seen and felt. He felt it too.
You are loved, you are so loved. Your family is trying to tell you this but
you can’t hear it. You can’t believe
it. You don’t feel worthy of it. You are afraid that what your dad told you
might be true: that you might be lazy and worthless, and just a woman, and that
you aren’t as good as the other members of your family. But IT’S NOT TRUE! You are not alone. You have never been alone. God will put the people in your life – as he
always has – who will help you to remember who you are.
Keep trying to accept reality. It will become a beautiful and welcoming
place and you won’t have to work at maintaining your walls anymore. Surrendering your walls and your army will
become one of your greatest joys as you allow the King and His army to fight
for you. He’ll keep you save and He’ll
lead your way, when you let Him. It’s
simple and beautiful and the “easy road” the hardest part is letting go of the
defenses you’ve been working your whole life to build.
It’s going to get worse.
You are going to loose some battles you’ve been fighting. But it’s going to be okay. There are people who love you, who want to
come to your side and help you. And you’ll
have to get to a point where you can’t even get out of bed to be ready to ask
for help. That’s okay. They’ll come.
Your sisters will come and they will sit with you and cry with you and
rub your hands and make phone calls and get you to where you need to go to take
your first steps of healing.
You are going to need some medication to get you
through. It is Okay. It is Okay.
You are okay and medication is okay.
Depression is not your fault.
Depression is not a failure.
Depression is a medical condition and you are blessed to live in a time
and place with resources to get the medication you need to get you through
this. You will spend hours crying a
puddle on the bathroom floor. That’s
okay. You will feel so alone and so
low. You are not alone. Not ever.
Jesus Christ is with you. You
will come to see that He has never left your side.
You’re going to spend a week at a spa and it’s going to be
the best decision you ever made. You’ll
be ready. Jesus will come to you again
and you’ll meet your heavenly mother and she will become the beacon in your
life. She will give you the gift of
perspective and she will hold you until you know that everything is going to be
okay.
Slow down. It’s okay
to not have the girls in activities.
Say no. It’s a
sentence. No explanation needed. No.
Do what feels right.
Say no to the rest. When the
relief society calls to ask if they can hold the Christmas party at your house
again. Say no. You’ll be glad you did.
When the bishop comes over to call you into the primary
presidency, say no or take a day to pray about it like you know you
should. (You won’t, you’ll say yes and
you’ll know immediately that it wasn’t where God wanted you to be. It’s okay, you’ll get stronger and you’ll ask
to be released and it will be okay.)
When the bishop begins to interrogate you about your
testimony, stand up and walk out – everyone will be better off for it. (You won’t but it would have been
lovely) You’ll survive, you’ll reach out
again to the people you trust and you’ll find again that your family loves and
supports you. You’ll be stronger for the
experience.
You will lose your testimony of the church. It’s okay.
Jesus Christ won’t leave you. God
will send angels again to strengthen you when you are most vulnerable and
attacked by those who should be shepherding your soul. He’ll remind you that to be a true believer
you must first doubt every aspect that is to become a solid stepping
stone. That’s the plan, that’s your
path. Embrace it, I have a feeling it
won’t be the last time you’ll walk alone.
Your husband is awesome through this.
He’ll never threaten you about it.
He’ll stand by your side, he’ll listen to your ideas and beliefs, and he’ll
be your best friend through it.
Keep going to 12 step.
These women will become your truest friends, the link that keeps you in the
church. God will use you. He will show you the path and open your mouth
and you will become his minister, his hands.
Keep reaching out to the women who inspire you, they too are
warrior women. Together you will lift
hands and hearts. You will help other
women find their voices and remember who they are. You will help them to find the happiness God
intended for all of you all along.
Be brave.
Love.
Open your heart – God’s got your back.
