April 14, 2012
A good day
I can’t find my regular journal at the moment. But I know I need to write about today. I’ve been in a dark place, having a hard
time, struggling to hope for hope and to want to try. I’ve been feeling a lot of pain and hopelessness. I think that the writing of my narrative and
the journaling I’ve been doing particularly yesterday’s writing about my
feelings, trying to spell it all out – get it out- work through it – figure it
out set the stage for more hope. I
really saw more clearly yesterday how very blessed I am. I realized that I have everything I was
looking for when I married Alan. I
wanted stability and security and I have that – he’s really given me everything
I’ve ever asked for. It’s not Alan’s
fault that I now see more that I want him to be – a man with a dream &
passion…I didn’t ask for that in the first place, I’m changing the rules
here. My perspective just changed a
little yesterday as I was able to separate a little bit from the villain
narrative I’ve created for him and from the victim narrative I’ve cultivated
for my whole life and as I separated from those I thought about what I really
want out of life – what a perfect world would be for me now and I found myself
wanting to show excitement when he came home to say to him “I’m so happy that
you’re here” and to spend some time with him – where in the preceding
days/weeks I’ve really been pushing him away.
He came home and immediately rushed to play with the girls –
which I usually totally appreciate but yesterday it felt like he was scared of
me and not wanting to be with me. I
determined to push myself, daughter #1 asked if I would jump with them on the
trampoline and I told her I would. She
went out to play. I sat on the floor and
cried a little. Then I got up and pushed
myself out to spend some time together all four of us together remembering how
I want my girls to feel the love of both of us together. The night went on with our usual turns at
parenting and after bed-time for the girls my husband said that he wanted some time
alone if I didn’t need anything. Then he
went into the garage to clean. I wanted
to be with him but didn’t want to take his “me time” away. I poked my head out of the garage door and
asked if he wanted help – he told me only if I wanted to be with him. Which I did but because of my recent
feelings/behavior – he couldn’t tell. We
worked hard, a little awkwardly as I tried to see his vision without suggesting
or pushing. It was fun and he was glad
to get so much accomplished. I was so happy
to be able to help him accomplish something, we got rid of tons of stuff, moved
stuff around and the garage looks sooo much better.
We came in and showered and had a bit of a discussion (as
they all seem to go lately – me timidly wanting to share my feelings without
hurting him, him feeling hurt and trying to respond in the “right way”) and
then we sat and talked and talked and talked and I insisted that he tell me how
he was feeling and I felt relieved to know what he’s been thinking and what
he’s been thinking that I was thinking and to be able to clarify and to come up
with a bit of a plan for me to begin by saying “I don’t mean to hurt you but
I’m feeling …” for him to respond with “the script” and for him to wait to
share his hurts and feelings until I’m “rational again” – I told him that I
usually am aware of when I’m not being rational and that I don’t think I’ll be
offended if he asks whether I’m feeling rational and that I’ll try to be honest
about whether I’m in a good place to hear him out. We just talked about our feelings, our
concerns, our pain, our fears, our faith our changes. I talked to him about how alone I often
feel.
The day before he had said the most beautiful things to me –
and I felt loved unconditionally, I felt accepted that even though he sees
& knows and I constantly remind him that I am broken he accepts
responsibility for my pain and loves me even though I often feel broken,
worthless and unlovable.
We held each other and were physically intimate and it was
so amazingly wonderful, beautiful, powerful and after I felt a peace, a
serenity a feeling of safety and comfort that has been scarce in my life. It was so wonderful and desirable that I
didn’t want him to let go of me. I
didn’t want the night to end and I held as tightly as I could to each beautiful
feeling. When we woke up this morning, I
didn’t want to get out of bed, I just wanted to stay with him in bed because I
didn’t want any thought or anything to intrude into my wonderfully happy
feelings. We had a great day, we worked
hard, we played with the girls, we spent time together all 4 of us, I went to
my meeting this am and felt like I had something to offer and so much to
gain. This afternoon we all sat on the
couch and read stories – it was lovely.
This day was full of beautiful, precious, joyous moments, happy moments,
heavenly moments. Today our home was
heaven on earth. Today was a good day!
The attack came back, I let it in. There is this film I want to see: Miss
Representation – it’s about our culture (our pornified culture) and how the
objectification of women that is widely promoted and readily accepted
influences both the ideas women have about themselves and the view men have of
women and how these ideas discourage and disallow women from attaining
positions of power – in politics, in business and in public life. I’m so interested. I feel like I could develop a story to tell –
enough information and personal experience to speak to people about the harms
of pornography. I have this deep desire
to help people to see their divine nature and their value and help people break
free of the limits they put on themselves and the lies they believe. A local church was hosting a screening
tonight and I somehow thought that I could find the documentary on line so that
Alan and I could watch it here. I
couldn’t find it on-line to watch here – which is probably a very good thing
because, part of the presentation included images of pornography and
objectification of women to demonstrate the widely glamorized and at least
accepted images that so pervade our media drenched culture. It’s also probably
better that I didn’t find it because it is so painful for me to feel the harm
such images have, will and do cause and because it inflames my lack of trust in
men and my anger at the violent situation at hand both in my own personal
relationship and in the world at large. I found some websites and the movie
trailer and felt a little shaken. I just
want to go out and save the world, but it just isn’t the right time for me, I’m
not strong enough – yet?
He and I talked more tonight but just seeing those few
images, remembering my pain, looking at and talking to my husband who is drawn
away from me by these types of images and remembering how fat and ugly I felt
today opened the smallest crack for Satan to whisper in my ear and weakened me
enough to start to forget my resources and the great Army that is fighting with
me and for me and that God is our leader – GOD – The creator of Heaven and
Earth is on my side and fighting for me and they that be with us are more than
they that be with them! How quick to
forget, how slow to remember I am.
After finishing the above entry I started browsing on the
computer reading old journal entries. I
found an entry from April14, 2006 just as we were preparing for in vitro and
read through several others from that year ahh how the themes of my life repeat
themselves:
Dreaming/planning
– researching, check-list making…
Hurt/pain/sadness/despair
Guarding my
heart – keeping the possibility of pain as far away as possible
Realizing
that guarding my heart also keeps love and joy at a distance
Giving my
will to God
Accepting
my situation and letting go of prior dreams
Being
blessed and enjoying the process of coming up with new dreams
Round and round we goJ Practice, endurance training, small races and
prizes along the way to the ultimate – enduring to the end (cheerfully &
patiently)
