Step 3 November 28, 2011

I’ve read and re-listened to the talk by Elder Cook “It’s better to look up.”  I loved it.  I want to give my will to God but I don’t know if I’m ready to let go – I so want to but I guess I’m still paralyzed by the fear of doing something imperfectly – which is how we all do EVERYTHING in this lifeJ  Urgh!  I don’t know why I’m so stuck on trying to be perfect…

 

So I prayed earlier tonight and just put it all before God in prayer how I'm feeling - wanting to give it all to Him but afraid I'll run back to the alter and snatch it back, I suppose that is okay because we can go to Him again and again and again for the same thing wearying Him with our need and imperfection...I do trust Him, I know His will is the best, far better than mine.  I know I'll keep getting scared and I'll do my best to continually turn to Him in prayer when I'm faced with fear.

 

Here’s my list of what I want to give to God:

 

1.      Being my husband’s mother

a.       Monitoring

b.      Focusing on

c.       Wondering about

d.      Fearing that it is false

 

2.      Fear

a.       Of Trust

                                                                          i.      the timing of it, I’ll make room in my heart and welcome it when it comes, and let God steer

b.      Of Forgiveness

                                                                          i.      the timing and fullness of it, I’ll make room in my heart and welcome it when it comes, and let God Steer

c.       Of my husband’s relapse

d.      Of being imperfect

e.       Of Humanity –meanness, selfishness, self-serving

                                                                          i.      God can help me see others as He sees them

f.       Of making mistakes

g.      Of history repeating itself (my little girls growing up with my scars)

h.      Of trusting anyone else with my children

i.        Of feeling & showing emotions

j.        Of what exaltation might be like

k.      Of my ability/lack of ability to do hard things

l.        Of trusting my heart with anyone – that I’ll be hurt

m.    Of the unknown – I will trust that God is over all

 

3.      Anger

a.       About the betrayal

b.      At myself for falling short

 

4.      Resentment

a.       Toward my mother for staying with my dad, working, not being perfect

b.      At my husband for all I have given and all he has thrown out

 

5.      My heart of stone

a.       The walls I quickly and constantly build around my heart

b.      I can trust that God will restore me when the pain and heart ache come

c.       I will ask God daily for a new heart like His

 

6.      Believing I don’t deserve good

a.       I am an heir to all He has

b.      I want to give him the negative thoughts and self-loathing that creep in and drag me down to despair

 

7.      The outcome

a.       I will be true to God and He will oversee the journey

b.      I will trust that as long as I am on God’s team, we win in the end

c.       I will trust that all things will work together for my good

d.      I will trust that God has all good things in store for me

 

8.      Pride

a.       My need to win

b.      Comparing myself to others

c.       Judging

d.      Feeling self righteous – like “I’ve been the good guyJ”

e.       Thinking I can do anything on my own without God

f.       Living in a fantasy that I am somehow set apart from the rest of humanity

 

9.      Idolatry

a.       Putting my husband or others or things before God

 

10.  Other people’s problems

a.       I can’t fix them

b.      God can let me know if there is a way for me to help or ease a burden

 

 

Step 3 questions:

1. What thoughts and attitudes do I need to develop in order for me to completely submit my will to my Heavenly Father?
1. As I look back over my life I can see clearly that God’s plan and the way things unfolded was the best way.  I cried and tried counseling God, to go away to school, to have children  right away, but his timing was what I needed to feel His love, to be where/when I needed to be to learn and grow.
2. I need to remember that His ways/timing are better.  That He has blessed me in ways far greater than I could have ever dreamed
2. What thoughts and attitudes prevent me from allowing Heavenly Father to guide me in all areas of my life?
1. That darned fear, anger and resentment slowly but surely BLOCK THE LIGHT.  I must keep the Sprit with me and rebuke and command Satan to leave at the first shadow

                                                              i.      Immediately when the negative internal dialogue begins

                                                            ii.      Immediately when I feel the pain that I know the Savior can remove but I’m tempted to focus on and wallow in

                                                          iii.      When I feel frustrated

                                                          iv.      When I feel hurt

                                                            v.      When I feel angry

                                                          vi.      When I feel impatient

3. Do I trust that Heavenly Father’s plan for me will bring me peace of mind and bring me ultimate joy?  How can I apply that trust in my daily life?
1. I totally do.  He’s show me glimpses, carried me for entire days, allowed me to feel His loving arms around me

                                                              i.      Look up

                                                            ii.      Remember the blessings

                                                          iii.      Look to God

                                                          iv.      Take a moment to catch my breath, refuel, look to the goal, look back at the progress and enjoy the view, appreciate the strength I’m gaining

4. What is it that God can do that we cannot do?
1. He can teach me who I am
2. He can heal my heart
3. He can erase the pain
4. He can help me to see the lesson, the pieces that need work
5. He can direct me and bring to my remembrance the words & people who can help
6. He can remind me of His love
7. He can walk beside me and carry me when I need Him to
8. He can teach me to love
9. He can make up for my weaknesses and failures
5. There is help.  There is happiness.  There really is light at the end of the tunnel.  To any who may be struggling to see that light and find that hope, I say: Hold on.  Keep trying.  God loves you.  Things will improve.  Every one of us has times when we need to know things will get better…[and] there is the promise of good things to come.  How can I apply the process of patience into my life each day as I follow the Lord’s will and believe that good things will come?
1. I can look back and remember.  It took 9 years for the miracle of our little girls.  It took 10 years to finish my undergrad.  It was the Lord’s time, it was the right time.  He was with me all along
2. HE HAS BEEN WITH ME ALL ALONG!
6. What are some things I can do that will help me walk daily with Christ?
1. Read His words
2. Pray for His companionship, to feel His presence and His love
3. Pray to know the most important thing to do today
4. Let my face & tone reflect His
5. Remember that He loves me more and perfectly even more than I am able to love my own daughters
7. How can I become willing to turn my will over to my Father in Heaven and my Savior Jesus Christ with the belief and trust that He can make a lot more out of my life than I can?
1. Remember who I am
2. Remember the blessings
3.  It is worth it
4. Cast out the fear
5. Seek and bask in the light of the Son

 I'm trying to remember...

 

          When you are living righteously and are acting with trust, God will not let you proceed too far without a warning impression if you’ve made a wrong decision. – Elder Scott 4/07

 

          Anything we can change, we should change and we must forgive the rest. – Elder Holland 4/06

 

           The best way to become who I want to be is by being who I want to become – Time out for Women 2011

 

          The miracle comes after the trial of faith, Gratitude precedes the miracle:)

 

Thanks again for your time & help!