November 18, 2011 Devistation

I watched Elder Scott’s talk today.  I actually found a lot of comfort in the scriptures this morningJ  Gotta love those packets of lightJ  I’m struggling I think I had the biggest breakdown I’ve had since I discovered my husband’s addiction.  I’ve been doing pretty well really – God has been so good to me and I’ve felt the burden lifted and more freedom and joy in this trial than perhaps I’ve felt during our whole 13 years of marriage.  I was a total mess last night and today I’m just working at breathing and functioning for my twin 3 (almost 4) year old daughters.  I started to write to sort out my feelings and I thought I’d share with you to give you an idea of where I am today.  I know I’ll come back to myself, that God will pull me up out of this filthy mess,  I will wait & trust & reach toward him…

 

            I am devastated.  My worst-case-scenario has been that my husband might die.  Now that seems like a wonderful dream come true.  We have life insurance & I’d have his social security.  I could bring in an au pair and maybe rent out a room.  I’d go back to school and teach and be done with men.

            As it is, my life is crushed.  My husband has lied to me from the beginning.  He doesn’t love me.  He doesn’t love God.  I don’t know what his motivation is.  He has made covenants and broken them.  He has been unfaithful to me and God.  He has deceived me and allowed-caused my worst nightmares to come true.  We are now responsible for two beautiful, perfect, wonderful girls who are growing up with a wicked father and a broken mother and history repeats itself.

            I am angry at me – I am/was so stupid.  I was blinded and I didn’t know how to listen to God.  I am/was so weak and damaged that I needed my husband’s attention/sex to feel I was worth something.  I dedicated my life – all of my time, talents and energy to building God’s kingdom by building a family and supporting my husband and all along my husband was lying, pretending and betraying me.

            God has been so good to me.  Constant and always near.  I know He loves me.  I know that we can all change and be redeemed through Him and I know that He’ll take care of the girls and me.  He has blessed me.  He has spoken to me and He will strengthen me against Satan’s lies.  He will help me to clear my mind.  He will bless me with the Spirit so that I will not be deceived.  He will help me to be the mother my girls need.  I have hope that He will let me know how to protect them – from their father – from the world.

            I love my husband.  I know that God loves him.  I know that his potential is great.  He helps me to feel happy and keeps me sexually satisfied and fulfilled.  He is kind and does nice things for me.  He plays the part of good father and husband really well.  Except that he is unfaithful, deceiving, untrusting and potentially dangerous.

            I know that I have to give him, me, us time to heal.  I know that I have to forgive him.  I know that I have to forgive me and heal and cheerfully endure to the end, constantly holding the rod and reaching toward Jesus.  I know that I need to function and care for and love my children.  I know that I need to love me so that I can love others.

            I will,  God will help me.

I'll forward the story and step one I sent to sponsor #1, but I think given my sunken state it will be good to just start over so I'll be working on my story & the questions of step one again, let me know if you have any suggestions.

Today I'm grateful for the love of God.