Rock Bottom

June 8, 2012
I've been living in a bubble.  One I've worked my whole life to create.  Due to circumstances beyond my control my bubble has shattered and I am working to gain the strength & tools I need to make living here in reality possible & as happy & comfortable as I can.

I had built these fortress walls to keep danger away.  I felt I had experienced enough hurt & drama & pain for one life in my years at home with my family of origin.  I learned how to keep myself small & out of the way, how to make contributions that would ease life at home and how to survey the mood before speaking or even entering an occupied room.  My parents seemed heavily taxed and often acted in ways that were out of control.

Any negative energy, words, actions I pulled into myself, blamed myself, tried to fix, internalized.  Every part of every wrong thing I related to myself.  My friends would notice that I apologized for everything and would tell me not to - that things were not my fault- not even related to me - out of my control.  But, I wanted to control my world, make sense of it, put order to it, believe in the goodness & good intentions of every person and live perfectly so that if we all would do our best - no one would get hurt, we would help and lift each other and the world would be a beautiful place.

I made plans and followed patterns & formulas, wanted guarantees and believed in them if they were offered.  I built up idols around me, found inspiration in the outsides of people I admired and viewed the world as black or white; all or nothing; all good or all bad...

I applauded myself for my hard work, sacrifice & good choices.  I gave people attributes I wanted them to have and let down my walls believing in the image I created and maintained of them by blaming myself for any behavior or result that didn't fit my model.

And now, I see a little more clearly that illusion is powerful.  That life & people are out of my control.  That my care and well being are up to me.  That I must function and that I should only function for myself and allow others to function for themselves.

The Road Less Traveled by: Scott Peck
"The entirety of one's adult life is a series of personal choices, decisions.  If they can accept this totally, then they become free people.  To the extent that they do not accept this they will forever feel themselves victims."
"We must be totally dedicated to TRUTH"
"Mental health is an ongoing process of dedication to reality at all costs."
"We must constantly update our maps as we find truth & abandon untruth rather than transfer it simply on the basis that it worked in the past."
"The only way we can be certain that our map of reality is valid is to expose it to the criticism & challenge of other map makers."
"A life of TOTAL HONESTY - never speak a falsehood - act only from genuine love - be aware of the tightrope and tendency to be wrong."
"By their openness people dedicated to truth life in the open, and through the exercise of their courage to live in the open, they become free from fear." (63)