A letter to me

October 24, 2013

A letter to me.

Something scary is headed your way.  You know, you have always know that this picture perfect life of yours is too good to be true.  It will hit you.  You won’t expect it but you’ll walk in on it and some things will suddenly make sense.  You will see that something has been wrong all along just as you suspected.  But you will see that it wasn’t you.  Jesus Christ will pick you up in that moment and he will carry you in his arms for an entire week.

Trust your gut.  God will guide you.  Reach out to the people you feel you can lean on.  Open your mouth, you’ll find that every woman you talk to has been right where you are.  The women who haven’t or haven’t yet admitted it to themselves will be supportive and loving and help you through this too. 

Run away if you want to, pack up those sweet beautiful innocent little girls and take them wherever you want to.  You’ll have so much fun.  Your life is going to be filled with love and joy and happiness you haven’t experienced since you were a little girl (only this time you can kick out the people who say mean things to you).

Go to the temple, God will speak to you there.  Come up with your plans, God will confirm them for you. 

Spend money, get hiking gear and spend every available moment on your mountain, God will come to you there.  Your heavenly parents will meet you there, they’ll sing to you, they’ll help you remember what you already know and were to look to find it.

Get babysitters – as often as you want. You’ll take a whole week off in October, it’ll be one of the best choices you’ve ever made.  Jesus will come to you, he’ll place angels right in front of you as you go to the temple every single day.

You are going to have some scary moments.  You are going to have some things happen to you that have never happened before.  You are going to feel prickly all over your chest and it’s going to spread over your whole body from there and it’s going to be paralyzing and fill you with fear and you’re going to think that perhaps the devil is trying to take over your soul – He’s not!  It’s a panic attack, you’ll get some medication for that too and you’ll learn to deal with it.  It’s just another experience of this life and this journey.  Ask for blessings, do what you feel like doing.  God is walking right alongside you, protecting and guiding you as He always has.

You’re going to remember the scariest moments of your childhood in vivid detail when you least expect it and it’s going to shake you and bring on panic attacks and you’re going to be so scared and A’s going to scared too.  But in these moments you’ll see something new, something you never noticed before.  You’ll see that Jesus Christ was there with you.  When you were so frightened and felt so small and alone and your belief in goodness smashed piece by piece, you’ll see that Jesus was with you, holding you and protecting you.  He never left your side.  He protected you.  He knew that you would go through these things and come out okay and more like Him because of what you’ve seen and felt.  He felt it too.

You are loved, you are so loved.  Your family is trying to tell you this but you can’t hear it.  You can’t believe it.  You don’t feel worthy of it.  You are afraid that what your dad told you might be true: that you might be lazy and worthless, and just a woman, and that you aren’t as good as the other members of your family.  But IT’S NOT TRUE!  You are not alone.  You have never been alone.  God will put the people in your life – as he always has – who will help you to remember who you are.

Keep trying to accept reality.  It will become a beautiful and welcoming place and you won’t have to work at maintaining your walls anymore.  Surrendering your walls and your army will become one of your greatest joys as you allow the King and His army to fight for you.  He’ll keep you save and He’ll lead your way, when you let Him.  It’s simple and beautiful and the “easy road” the hardest part is letting go of the defenses you’ve been working your whole life to build.

It’s going to get worse.  You are going to loose some battles you’ve been fighting.  But it’s going to be okay.  There are people who love you, who want to come to your side and help you.  And you’ll have to get to a point where you can’t even get out of bed to be ready to ask for help.  That’s okay.  They’ll come.  Your sisters will come and they will sit with you and cry with you and rub your hands and make phone calls and get you to where you need to go to take your first steps of healing.

 

You are going to need some medication to get you through.  It is Okay.  It is Okay.  You are okay and medication is okay.  Depression is not your fault.  Depression is not a failure.  Depression is a medical condition and you are blessed to live in a time and place with resources to get the medication you need to get you through this.  You will spend hours crying a puddle on the bathroom floor.  That’s okay.  You will feel so alone and so low.  You are not alone.  Not ever.  Jesus Christ is with you.  You will come to see that He has never left your side.

You’re going to spend a week at a spa and it’s going to be the best decision you ever made.  You’ll be ready.  Jesus will come to you again and you’ll meet your heavenly mother and she will become the beacon in your life.  She will give you the gift of perspective and she will hold you until you know that everything is going to be okay.

Slow down.  It’s okay to not have the girls in activities.

Say no.  It’s a sentence.  No explanation needed.  No.

Do what feels right.  Say no to the rest.  When the relief society calls to ask if they can hold the Christmas party at your house again.  Say no.  You’ll be glad you did.

When the bishop comes over to call you into the primary presidency, say no or take a day to pray about it like you know you should.  (You won’t, you’ll say yes and you’ll know immediately that it wasn’t where God wanted you to be.  It’s okay, you’ll get stronger and you’ll ask to be released and it will be okay.)

When the bishop begins to interrogate you about your testimony, stand up and walk out – everyone will be better off for it.  (You won’t but it would have been lovely)  You’ll survive, you’ll reach out again to the people you trust and you’ll find again that your family loves and supports you.  You’ll be stronger for the experience.

You will lose your testimony of the church.  It’s okay.  Jesus Christ won’t leave you.  God will send angels again to strengthen you when you are most vulnerable and attacked by those who should be shepherding your soul.  He’ll remind you that to be a true believer you must first doubt every aspect that is to become a solid stepping stone.  That’s the plan, that’s your path.  Embrace it, I have a feeling it won’t be the last time you’ll walk alone.  Your husband is awesome through this.  He’ll never threaten you about it.  He’ll stand by your side, he’ll listen to your ideas and beliefs, and he’ll be your best friend through it.

Keep going to 12 step.  These women will become your truest friends, the link that keeps you in the church.  God will use you.  He will show you the path and open your mouth and you will become his minister, his hands. 

Keep reaching out to the women who inspire you, they too are warrior women.  Together you will lift hands and hearts.  You will help other women find their voices and remember who they are.  You will help them to find the happiness God intended for all of you all along. 

Be brave.

Love.

Open your heart – God’s got your back.